And then there were 99...

It's been a while. You would think that someone like me who does nothing but sit around ALL DAY would be able to blog more often. It's just, recently I have found that I really don't have much to say. To anyone. About anything. I have found myself pushing my friends and family away just so I can be alone and mope around the house all day. I don't answer phone calls. I don't check up with people. I haven't been outside except to drive to Rick's in like a week. I am a hermit. And it sucks.

I don't want to say that I have been "depressed" even though that might very well be the case. I guess I am just "in a funk" as my mom put it. Why am I like this? What has made me lose my sense of self so much that I don't even want to get out of bed??

The more I ask myself these questions, the more I always arrive and the same answer..... that answer that frustrates me and makes me even more upset every time I get it:

I am not as close to God as I need to be.

I used to be. Me and God used to be "tight" if you will. I liked reading His word and hearing messages about all the interesting things that the bible has to offer. I would apply those messages to my life as much as I could and I would absorb all the love and greatness that God was raining down on me. I loved church. I loved talking about my faith, and sharing it with others. I was in awe constantly of all the great things around me that God seemed to just slip in my path.

But then, it was like all of a sudden that stuff just... stopped. How? Why? When?

How does a person regain that peace and comfort in the Lord? I feel so far away from Him. I can't even remember the last time I felt like my prayers were even being heard... and lately, it seems like I have just given up all hope of them reaching anywhere anyway. How can I regain that love of life? I mean, look at Rick's blog. Every day, it is something new that God is showing him or someway that He is working in his life. It's obvious that God is doing AMAZING things in his life. I feel so horrible because he always wants to come home and talk about the great messages he found or a new blog entry he read or some article on Relevant... and all I can do is sit there and "listen" counting the seconds until he is finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I need a sort of... renewing I guess. But how? I want to be that way again. I want to love life. I want to be surrounded by family and friends that I enjoy being around. I want to find messages and make Rick listen to them because I am so excited about them. I want to read a verse and have a yearning just to discuss it with someone. But most of all, I just want to feel like God is still with me. I want to have a good relationship with Him.

I kind of feel like the little sheep that has gone astray. You know, the fold of 100 that stays close the the Shepherd's side? I am the one that got lost. That is waiting for Him to remind me of why I am important enough to be a part of His flock. The one that is needing to be found. My biggest fear though, is that the Shepherd is going to leave me behind for good.

For someone who doesn't like change...

I sure do change my mind... A LOT.

The more I think about it, the more I can't seem to get it right. Am I making the right decision for ME? Or am I doing it, once again, for other people? It's such a catch 22 really... You go to school to get a degree and essentially make more money... but in order to make it through those years, you have to be broke. Dead broke. Or, you can go to work and choose not to finish higher education, make a lot of money straight away, and then watch your life pass you by as people with degrees get better promotions than you. Ahh... how life would be so much simpler if I had "rich parents" like many of my friends.

I just can't seem to shake it. As much as I hate school, I equally love it just as much. I hate driving 45 minutes there and back two days a week only to sit at home the other 5 days worrying about school. I hate sitting in boring classes non stop. I hate going and going and going until infinity only to discover that what you have been working for is going to cause you another 913 days of agony until you have a degree in hand. 26 classes. 78 credit hours. It just sucks to look at that number. As I sit here writing this in my KSU shirt, I think about all the possibilities yet again... and I reminisce. Brisk fall days sitting outside with my laptop. Learning about interesting subjects... well actually, just learning period. That intrigues me. Writing papers. Yes. I said it. I enjoy writing papers. But that is because it is something I am passionate about.

Yeah, I am passionate about reading. And that is what I would be surrounded with in this potential job. But where can I go after that. What if 10 years down the road I am so far in over my head all I can do is look back and scream "What if?!?" I don't want to live in regret for the rest of my life. And I want to better myself. I want to be the best ME I can be. But I would also hate to know that I made the wrong decision.

It is time for me to jump off of one side of the cliff or another. Both sides contain paths that will lead me on my way. On one side is a paradise. Beautiful beaches, rolling hills, large white clouds surrounding a summer sunset that would take your breath away. But on the other side there are nothing but rocks. Sharp, steep, rocks for miles. A road that will be long and grueling with no relief. There is no looking back. Once I jump, that's it.

And all I can do is remain here standing, heart pounding, completely breathless, wondering what will happen once I step forward.

Hit in the head... finally some clarity.

I applied for a job today. Not just a "job" per say, but a potential work experience with one of those dream companies you always wish you could work for. A potential "passionate" job. Granted, the job I applied for was for an administrative assistant, and I am sure many would not consider that glamorous. But I have great potential to move up later on if I so choose.

I had the opportunity to apply for this job a couple of days ago and I talked myself out of it. I have a tendency to overthink things. You know, analyze every inch of every possibility? And I pretty much told myself that quitting college (if only for a while) was the dumbest decision I could ever make. Today, however, I had a mental breakdown. Not just an overstressed moment... no. I am talking a major, over the top, crying, screaming, stressed out, pull out all of your hair, BREAK DOWN. I am miserable in college. I have a horrendous advisor who doesn't help me work things out at all ... I am "majoring" in something I know in my heart of hearts that I am never going to use.... and I am surrounded by people there that I am sure are not the people God wants me to be around. I am miserable.

My biggest fear of all, however, was that I was going to quit college and go to work and then find out later that that was not where God wanted me to be. Or vice versa, I would not go to work and stay in college and discover the same thing. I was either going to be very far behind in school and it would take me six years to finish... or I was going to be in college for another 3 years only to find out that those three years could have been very useful work experience. I was afraid. Afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of straying off of God's path for my life. Afraid of letting Him, and everyone else (including myself) down. I am sure this "dilema" is trivial for many many people... but it is a HUGE hinderance in my life right now.

So what made me change my mind about applying?

As I was talking to my mom about all my worries, it hit me like a ton of bricks. God is not going to send me a definite answer. It wouldn't be some kind of sign that many people ask for. There was no way possible that I was going to know exactly what He wanted me to do in life. That was when the brick hit my forehead... God doesn't WANT me to know exactly what is going on. That is the whole point. It's not for me to know the plan that He has for me. It is my duty to put my faith and trust in His judgement to lead me on the path that I need to travel. It was then that I realized that either decision I made was the right one... because I knew that God was going to take care of me and watch over me no matter what, as long as I fully put my heart into trusting Him.

Then brick number 2 came along. My mom asked me, "Jo, when was the last time you wanted to do something for yourself, with no outside influence, and you did it?" And to a sad reply, I couldn't think of the last time that happened. I chose to get good grades in school growing up because I was surrounded by people that told me how smart I was. I couldn't let them down right? I chose to go to college because that was my family's dream for me. I have gone on vacation to places that I didn't really want to go simply because that's where everyone else wanted to go. And sadly enough, I have even left my choice of LUNCH up to someone else. I don't make decisions on my own. I don't know how. For as long as I can remember, there has always been someone that has influenced my decision making process. So it came to me that God was not wanting me to know the answers... and He was not wanting my decision process to be easy either. Everyone I asked advice from on this subject gave me mixed answers. Not once did I have a clear cut answer from anyone. So when my mom asked me this question, it was suddenly clear to me. God will be there for me no matter what decision I chose... but the only condition to that is that I CHOSE THE DECISION MYSELF. How simple.

So, like I said, I applied for the job. I chose to take a semester off of school. I am choosing to find a job somewhere that I love to work at. It was a big choice. But I am finally ready to take my own life by the horns and live to my fullest capacity. I am ready to be happy again. I am ready to experience all that life has to offer. I am ready... for anything. Just Me, Myself, and God.