Change?? I don't know how.

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.
-- Fergie


Why does it always seem that in order for one thing to happen, another has to change? When there are two people involved, shouldn't they be able to love one another without reservation and BE HAPPY?? When does it all change?

I have so many questions. And no answers.
All I want is PEACE. Where is God? Why doesn't he answer my questions? Why don't I have some serenity about this yet? Where is He? And how many times have I asked myself that question in the last 6 months? What did I do to make Him desert me? Why can't I be Happy? Why can't I have a little clarity into the subject of my own life? Forget trying to figure everyone else out. I am done with that. I want to find out who I am. I want to figure out what makes me tick. I want to figure out what makes me truly happy so I can pursue that and soak life in. I am tired of sitting around WAITING for life to happen. I don't want to WAIT anymore. I want to DO. I want to BE. I want to LIVE. Where is God?

I haven't shed one tear today. And honestly, for me that must be some kind of record here lately. I am done with crying. It makes me feel useless. And it gets you nowhere. I need to learn to be strong. Not only for me, but for my children one day whenever that may be. I need to learn to be a bigger and better person. I need to see in myself what I want to see in them. I need to be strong... like I used to be.

"I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry"