And then there were 99...

It's been a while. You would think that someone like me who does nothing but sit around ALL DAY would be able to blog more often. It's just, recently I have found that I really don't have much to say. To anyone. About anything. I have found myself pushing my friends and family away just so I can be alone and mope around the house all day. I don't answer phone calls. I don't check up with people. I haven't been outside except to drive to Rick's in like a week. I am a hermit. And it sucks.

I don't want to say that I have been "depressed" even though that might very well be the case. I guess I am just "in a funk" as my mom put it. Why am I like this? What has made me lose my sense of self so much that I don't even want to get out of bed??

The more I ask myself these questions, the more I always arrive and the same answer..... that answer that frustrates me and makes me even more upset every time I get it:

I am not as close to God as I need to be.

I used to be. Me and God used to be "tight" if you will. I liked reading His word and hearing messages about all the interesting things that the bible has to offer. I would apply those messages to my life as much as I could and I would absorb all the love and greatness that God was raining down on me. I loved church. I loved talking about my faith, and sharing it with others. I was in awe constantly of all the great things around me that God seemed to just slip in my path.

But then, it was like all of a sudden that stuff just... stopped. How? Why? When?

How does a person regain that peace and comfort in the Lord? I feel so far away from Him. I can't even remember the last time I felt like my prayers were even being heard... and lately, it seems like I have just given up all hope of them reaching anywhere anyway. How can I regain that love of life? I mean, look at Rick's blog. Every day, it is something new that God is showing him or someway that He is working in his life. It's obvious that God is doing AMAZING things in his life. I feel so horrible because he always wants to come home and talk about the great messages he found or a new blog entry he read or some article on Relevant... and all I can do is sit there and "listen" counting the seconds until he is finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I need a sort of... renewing I guess. But how? I want to be that way again. I want to love life. I want to be surrounded by family and friends that I enjoy being around. I want to find messages and make Rick listen to them because I am so excited about them. I want to read a verse and have a yearning just to discuss it with someone. But most of all, I just want to feel like God is still with me. I want to have a good relationship with Him.

I kind of feel like the little sheep that has gone astray. You know, the fold of 100 that stays close the the Shepherd's side? I am the one that got lost. That is waiting for Him to remind me of why I am important enough to be a part of His flock. The one that is needing to be found. My biggest fear though, is that the Shepherd is going to leave me behind for good.