What is Life if it is Not Well Lived?

I have had quite a few "heart to hearts" with some very important people in my life in the past couple of days.

The main theme?? Happiness

Some questions that came up??

Why am I not happy? Why do I feel like I am wasting my life away? Why am I quitting school? Is it for my better good, or just because I feel that that is the only way to reach my essential goals? Why are my "essential goals" so screwed up and messed up and different from what they should be? Who decides whether they are right or wrong anyway? What is my REAL reason for wanting the things I do?

Am I doing things in life to better myself?
Am I doing things in life to better His kingdom?

So, Why am I here? What am I doing?
Why am I SO lost?

I am thankful for the life that I have. Don't get me wrong. I know that it could be worse. I know that other people deal with other things just as detrimental to them as this is to me. I don't want to play "pity party" like others in my life seem to do. And I am sure this feeling of "meaningless living" is experienced by many many people my age. However, why is it that so many other people my age can experience all these feelings of "finding theirselves" but still enjoy life and be happy at the same time?!?!?!?

hap·pi·ness –noun

1. the quality or state of being happy.

2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

I want to be happy.

I want to feel this way again.
I want to be PRODUCTIVE.

I want to be normal.

So what is life if it is not well lived?
Miserable.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I can't sleep.

Ok.. I know... "But JoLynn, it's 5:30 in the afternoon! Why would you be sleeping?" Generally, I take an afternoon nap when Rick gets home from work. Earlier today if you would have asked me if I would be catching zzzz's this afternoon, I would have exclaimed my affirmative answer on the matter. Now, however, I just can't seem to get all these thoughts out of my head. Definitely can't get them out enough to fall into peaceful slumber.

Why her? She has so much potential in life. Why did she have to rush into all these things? All actions have consequences... but hers are piling up all at the same time. Why now? It breaks my heart to see her in such a treacherous condition. As much as I try to deny it, I care for her very deeply. And I want the best for her.

I know it is in no way my fault. But in some weird way, I kinda feel like I could have helped her better... somehow... someway. I feel like I let her down. Did I warn her enough? Did I help her see all the options? Was I there for her like I should have been??

Better Question:: Am I there for her now, when she needs it most?



I need sleep. I need rest.
I need peace.

You gotta start somewhere...

First blog. Well... my first REAL blog.

I used to have a Xanga that I wrote on everyday. Xanga quickly got faded out by myspace however, and until now, all my thoughts were floating around wildly in my head. True, I could write them down on paper, but why? Why waste the arm power? Everyone else in America does this on a computer... shouldn't I??

Isn't that incredible? Humans, particularly those that don't have to hunt for their food or build their own living quarters, have become genuinely lazy. Back in "the old days" you had to walk everywhere you went, pick your own corn to eat, build your own house out of wood and sticks.... and no one complained. That was life. Now, we have mechanics that do all that stuff for us. I found a place online the other day that will deliver your groceries to you... and another that cooks your meals and you pick them up on the way home. So not only do we have cars and planes to take us to our destinations, or computers to type our thoughts on screen, now we have people that do not cook their own meals, but yet rely on others to do so. Lazy. And people wonder why America is obese.

Sometimes, however, laziness is welcomed greatly. It seemed that I was running myself ragged. I had school 2 days a week, and I worried about homework and due dates the other 5 days. I had a job, bills, stress with that. I am helping CATR on Sundays, and had to be there at 7 am every Sunday. I have a family, a boyfriend, his family, friends to keep up with... and I spent most of my days trying to juggle all my stresses while trying to make others happy and juggle theirs. I woke up tired every morning, and went to bed at 9:30 on Friday nights instead of hanging out with friends or going out on a date. I am 18 years old. Not 68. SOOO when I had my surgery, I was forced to be lazy. I have been out of work for about 6 weeks now... and on days that I am not at school, I basically sit around the house, clean up, get things done that I otherwise would not have time to do... I make time for me. Sadly enough, it has been quite a while since I have had some "me" time. Being "lazy" lately, has been a God sent blessing.

Unfortunately, real life is going to kick back in soon. School will be over in 2 weeks, and I am going to have to get a job. Hopefully I will be able to find one... I am kind of nervous about that. But I need to realize that whatever God wants to happen will happen. You hear all the time, "just trust God. Don't worry about it. Things will happen as they are supposed to happen." Honestly... easier said than done. But, I am slowly learning that whether I trust God and His ways or not, He is still going to have the last word. Wouldn't it just be easier to let go if they are going to happen that way anyway?

I guess I should quit my ramblings and get back to "paying attention" in class. Once again, easier said than done.