Hit in the head... finally some clarity.

I applied for a job today. Not just a "job" per say, but a potential work experience with one of those dream companies you always wish you could work for. A potential "passionate" job. Granted, the job I applied for was for an administrative assistant, and I am sure many would not consider that glamorous. But I have great potential to move up later on if I so choose.

I had the opportunity to apply for this job a couple of days ago and I talked myself out of it. I have a tendency to overthink things. You know, analyze every inch of every possibility? And I pretty much told myself that quitting college (if only for a while) was the dumbest decision I could ever make. Today, however, I had a mental breakdown. Not just an overstressed moment... no. I am talking a major, over the top, crying, screaming, stressed out, pull out all of your hair, BREAK DOWN. I am miserable in college. I have a horrendous advisor who doesn't help me work things out at all ... I am "majoring" in something I know in my heart of hearts that I am never going to use.... and I am surrounded by people there that I am sure are not the people God wants me to be around. I am miserable.

My biggest fear of all, however, was that I was going to quit college and go to work and then find out later that that was not where God wanted me to be. Or vice versa, I would not go to work and stay in college and discover the same thing. I was either going to be very far behind in school and it would take me six years to finish... or I was going to be in college for another 3 years only to find out that those three years could have been very useful work experience. I was afraid. Afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of straying off of God's path for my life. Afraid of letting Him, and everyone else (including myself) down. I am sure this "dilema" is trivial for many many people... but it is a HUGE hinderance in my life right now.

So what made me change my mind about applying?

As I was talking to my mom about all my worries, it hit me like a ton of bricks. God is not going to send me a definite answer. It wouldn't be some kind of sign that many people ask for. There was no way possible that I was going to know exactly what He wanted me to do in life. That was when the brick hit my forehead... God doesn't WANT me to know exactly what is going on. That is the whole point. It's not for me to know the plan that He has for me. It is my duty to put my faith and trust in His judgement to lead me on the path that I need to travel. It was then that I realized that either decision I made was the right one... because I knew that God was going to take care of me and watch over me no matter what, as long as I fully put my heart into trusting Him.

Then brick number 2 came along. My mom asked me, "Jo, when was the last time you wanted to do something for yourself, with no outside influence, and you did it?" And to a sad reply, I couldn't think of the last time that happened. I chose to get good grades in school growing up because I was surrounded by people that told me how smart I was. I couldn't let them down right? I chose to go to college because that was my family's dream for me. I have gone on vacation to places that I didn't really want to go simply because that's where everyone else wanted to go. And sadly enough, I have even left my choice of LUNCH up to someone else. I don't make decisions on my own. I don't know how. For as long as I can remember, there has always been someone that has influenced my decision making process. So it came to me that God was not wanting me to know the answers... and He was not wanting my decision process to be easy either. Everyone I asked advice from on this subject gave me mixed answers. Not once did I have a clear cut answer from anyone. So when my mom asked me this question, it was suddenly clear to me. God will be there for me no matter what decision I chose... but the only condition to that is that I CHOSE THE DECISION MYSELF. How simple.

So, like I said, I applied for the job. I chose to take a semester off of school. I am choosing to find a job somewhere that I love to work at. It was a big choice. But I am finally ready to take my own life by the horns and live to my fullest capacity. I am ready to be happy again. I am ready to experience all that life has to offer. I am ready... for anything. Just Me, Myself, and God.