Prayer... it does a spirit good.

This is a cry for help to all my hard praying friends....

I need some... Prayer that is.

My mind is about to explode with everything going on right now. I am trying to do so much in such a short amount of time. Finals are on the horizon, I have a speech on Thursday that I haven't started, I have a philosophy paper due on Tuesday that I dont want to start, and I am STRESSING OUT because I can't register for three of the classes I need for my major until January... and I have this gut feeling that they are going to fill up before I get the chance. I am going to explode...and that's just school!!

Rick and I are fervently praying about (what is now known as) Canvas Church in Savannah. We both feel that God is tugging at our hearts to be a part of (what Steve calls) the kingdom work down there... but SO much will have to change if we do decide to go. However, we both realize that if it is God's will for us to go, and that is where we are supposed to be, then our leap of faith will be rewarded. It's just one of those things where just "jumping" would not be (as Doug would say) the WISE thing to do.

There are many more things going on right now that I don't have time to talk about. (I am in class... and it's over.)

Just pray for me.

And Rick.

Pray that we will make the best decision for Christ, not for our personal gain. Pray that I wont LOSE MY MIND with all this school stuff. Pray that I will destress and be able to focus on the important things in my life.

Just Pray.

You never know when things will change...

Song for the blog of the day...
It has great significance for me right now.
And I would put the song on my player, but they don't have it.
So search for it. It's a great song.

I just saw the most amazing sunset
Well I watched as it sank into the sea
And bid another day goodbye by myself
I heard a bird sing the most beautiful song
But for the life of me, I can't remember that melody
I just remember that I had to dance alone

Oh and the days go by so fast
And the memories they never seem to last
And I'm quick to see all I don't have
I need to change the way I look at, all I look at

And soak it up
Every little bit I can
Enjoy all my day before all my days end
And whatever I get I'll always let that be enough
And never forget to soak it up
Yeah, yeah

Cause I could get caught up in this crazy race
You know the world we live in leaves no room for second place
But I've got to believe there's more to life than winning
I ain't gonna miss out on
All the beauty in my life
Like my family and my friends and my wife
All the God given gifts that money can't buy

Oh cause the days go by so fast
And the memories they never seem to last
But I'm grateful for everything I have
Cause You've changed the way I look at
All I look at

And soak it up
Every little bit I can
Enjoy all my day before all my days end
And whatever I get I'll always let that be enough
And never forget to soak it up

Ain't gonna be living tomorrows and missing today
Ain't gonna be making treasures out of things that fade away
No I'd rather be living every second
Living every minute of every single day
Oh I will

Soak it up
Every little bit I can
Enjoy all my day before all my days end
And whatever I get I'll always let that be enough
And never forget to soak it up

-Warren Barfield

Wouldn't it be nice?

I heard this song for probably the MILLIONTH time yesterday, but for the first time ever I think I actually listened to what they were saying. (Weird concept, I know. But I was on the treadmill for an hour. I had nothing else to do) So as I am listening, I realize that this song describes where Rick and I are right now PERFECTLY. How we wish we didn't have to wait so long to get married. How we wish we had more money and things could be different. And how it just gets more frustrating the more we talk about it! It was written for us!! And then I realized something else.... if this was written back when the Beach Boys did it, and soooo many people loved it then and throughout the years... THEN I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS HAD TO WAIT!! It made me feel a LOT better about our situation! So, this is now my theme song and blog song of the day. I have posted it on my playlist at the bottom of the page, so turn up your sound and enjoy it too!!

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy
Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

-Beach Boys

4...four...cuatro...

Four years ago tonight, Rick and I met for the very first time. We were introduced by Mandy and Josh, our respective best friends that were dating at the time. It's so much fun to remember what went on in the wee beginnings of our realationship.

We met at the Miss Hiram High Pageant (HAHAHAHA). I walked in, and could tell he was nervous... which made me feel a lot better because I was freaking out on the inside. (I didn't show that though) My mom was there, because she was ADAMENT about me not meeting anyone without her there... but we ended up sitting far away from her anyway, so it was ok.

I remember him being really quiet... but when he spoke, he was really funny. I remember thinking about how much he made me smile, and that still makes me smile today. He asked me for my number on a gum wrapper (that he still has)... and the rest is history!

The 25th will mark our four year anniversary. I can't believe it has been that long... but I am super excited about the next four... and the four hundred after that!

I love you Rick! Thanks for putting up with me this long! I couldn't have made it through the last four years without you! :)

It's a wonderful world... I can't feel it right now

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong, well

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just wanna cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me, mmm

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, maybe just a little letter
Oh, it could start again, oh oh

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world

When you're with me

-James Morrison

"Wonderful World"

Busy Bee.

There are times in my life where I have been at home, sitting around, being lazy, and loving life. I got to call my friends, go to dinner, hang out with my family. Life is so much easier at those times.

And then you have times like now. Times where you are CONSTANTLY on the run. Work, school, friends, family, relationships... I feel like I am always doing SOMETHING. And when I finally get to sit down and kick off my shoes, my mind is still racing about all the things that need to be completed.

I have been home one night this week. And I spent it doing homework. But tomorrow, I have nothing to do and it is going to be incredible.

I guess what I am trying to say is... I am exhausted. And it is not going to get any better as I get older and get more responisibilities.

But I will keep pushing on. Bring it on Busy Bee. Bring.... It..... On.

Hallelujah!

"Somehow everything's gonna fall right in to place. If we only had a way to make it all fall faster every day."

If there was one thing that would make me happier than anything at this moment in my life, it would be starting my life with the one person that I love more than all the sand on all the shores. It's a cliche really to say that he is "the best thing that has ever happened to me" but, other than having a relationship with Jesus, he really is the best thing in my life. And the best part is, it really does get better as each day goes by. He is the love of my life.... even though that is kind of cliche too.

"This time we're not giving up. Let's make this last forever. Screamin' Hallelujah!

We'll make it last forever."

We just recently celebrated our 3 year 9 month "monthaversary" and as the days pass it is still hard to believe that we have been together that long. Yes, we have our days that we act like an old married couple that bickers and argues. But then there are those days that everything is just like it was when we first met. Those days that we are so in love it's sickening to those around us. It's like we have an unexplainable connection with one another that is unlike any other. It's that "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series kind of love (It Takes Two)."

"Holding on to patience wearing thin. I can't force these eyes to see the end. If only time flew like a dove... we could watch it fly, and just keep looking up."

We are at a point in our lives where we are constantly growing and learning new things about life, about ourselves, and about each other. And there is a longing inside of me that wants to experience those things not just "with" him, but as his partner in crime, his counterpart, his wife. There is nothing that I want more than that right now. And it's hard. Because I know that we have to wait. If we were to get married now, we would be very poor. It would be very very hard to make it. And we both know that when our time comes, it will be great and the best time for us. It will be the time that God wants us to go by. God's time, our time... to shine.

"Got nothin' but time on our hands. Got nothin' but, got nothin' but... got nothin' but time on our hands"

I know that him and I will be together until the day we die. And as much as I want to speak those vows in front of a crowd of people and God alike, I have come to the realization that knowing them in my heart are just as important. I don't need a ring and a marriage license to give me that assurance. One day it will happen... just not today. And I am 100% ok with that.

I love you honey. And I will wait for us as long as it takes. I just want to be with you, be happy, and be in love.... and I think we have that all under control. You make me happier than I could have ever imagined I could be. You have my heart, forever and for always.

"This time we're not giving up.
Let's make it last forever.
Screamin' Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"

-Paramore

And then there were 99...

It's been a while. You would think that someone like me who does nothing but sit around ALL DAY would be able to blog more often. It's just, recently I have found that I really don't have much to say. To anyone. About anything. I have found myself pushing my friends and family away just so I can be alone and mope around the house all day. I don't answer phone calls. I don't check up with people. I haven't been outside except to drive to Rick's in like a week. I am a hermit. And it sucks.

I don't want to say that I have been "depressed" even though that might very well be the case. I guess I am just "in a funk" as my mom put it. Why am I like this? What has made me lose my sense of self so much that I don't even want to get out of bed??

The more I ask myself these questions, the more I always arrive and the same answer..... that answer that frustrates me and makes me even more upset every time I get it:

I am not as close to God as I need to be.

I used to be. Me and God used to be "tight" if you will. I liked reading His word and hearing messages about all the interesting things that the bible has to offer. I would apply those messages to my life as much as I could and I would absorb all the love and greatness that God was raining down on me. I loved church. I loved talking about my faith, and sharing it with others. I was in awe constantly of all the great things around me that God seemed to just slip in my path.

But then, it was like all of a sudden that stuff just... stopped. How? Why? When?

How does a person regain that peace and comfort in the Lord? I feel so far away from Him. I can't even remember the last time I felt like my prayers were even being heard... and lately, it seems like I have just given up all hope of them reaching anywhere anyway. How can I regain that love of life? I mean, look at Rick's blog. Every day, it is something new that God is showing him or someway that He is working in his life. It's obvious that God is doing AMAZING things in his life. I feel so horrible because he always wants to come home and talk about the great messages he found or a new blog entry he read or some article on Relevant... and all I can do is sit there and "listen" counting the seconds until he is finished.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I need a sort of... renewing I guess. But how? I want to be that way again. I want to love life. I want to be surrounded by family and friends that I enjoy being around. I want to find messages and make Rick listen to them because I am so excited about them. I want to read a verse and have a yearning just to discuss it with someone. But most of all, I just want to feel like God is still with me. I want to have a good relationship with Him.

I kind of feel like the little sheep that has gone astray. You know, the fold of 100 that stays close the the Shepherd's side? I am the one that got lost. That is waiting for Him to remind me of why I am important enough to be a part of His flock. The one that is needing to be found. My biggest fear though, is that the Shepherd is going to leave me behind for good.

For someone who doesn't like change...

I sure do change my mind... A LOT.

The more I think about it, the more I can't seem to get it right. Am I making the right decision for ME? Or am I doing it, once again, for other people? It's such a catch 22 really... You go to school to get a degree and essentially make more money... but in order to make it through those years, you have to be broke. Dead broke. Or, you can go to work and choose not to finish higher education, make a lot of money straight away, and then watch your life pass you by as people with degrees get better promotions than you. Ahh... how life would be so much simpler if I had "rich parents" like many of my friends.

I just can't seem to shake it. As much as I hate school, I equally love it just as much. I hate driving 45 minutes there and back two days a week only to sit at home the other 5 days worrying about school. I hate sitting in boring classes non stop. I hate going and going and going until infinity only to discover that what you have been working for is going to cause you another 913 days of agony until you have a degree in hand. 26 classes. 78 credit hours. It just sucks to look at that number. As I sit here writing this in my KSU shirt, I think about all the possibilities yet again... and I reminisce. Brisk fall days sitting outside with my laptop. Learning about interesting subjects... well actually, just learning period. That intrigues me. Writing papers. Yes. I said it. I enjoy writing papers. But that is because it is something I am passionate about.

Yeah, I am passionate about reading. And that is what I would be surrounded with in this potential job. But where can I go after that. What if 10 years down the road I am so far in over my head all I can do is look back and scream "What if?!?" I don't want to live in regret for the rest of my life. And I want to better myself. I want to be the best ME I can be. But I would also hate to know that I made the wrong decision.

It is time for me to jump off of one side of the cliff or another. Both sides contain paths that will lead me on my way. On one side is a paradise. Beautiful beaches, rolling hills, large white clouds surrounding a summer sunset that would take your breath away. But on the other side there are nothing but rocks. Sharp, steep, rocks for miles. A road that will be long and grueling with no relief. There is no looking back. Once I jump, that's it.

And all I can do is remain here standing, heart pounding, completely breathless, wondering what will happen once I step forward.

Hit in the head... finally some clarity.

I applied for a job today. Not just a "job" per say, but a potential work experience with one of those dream companies you always wish you could work for. A potential "passionate" job. Granted, the job I applied for was for an administrative assistant, and I am sure many would not consider that glamorous. But I have great potential to move up later on if I so choose.

I had the opportunity to apply for this job a couple of days ago and I talked myself out of it. I have a tendency to overthink things. You know, analyze every inch of every possibility? And I pretty much told myself that quitting college (if only for a while) was the dumbest decision I could ever make. Today, however, I had a mental breakdown. Not just an overstressed moment... no. I am talking a major, over the top, crying, screaming, stressed out, pull out all of your hair, BREAK DOWN. I am miserable in college. I have a horrendous advisor who doesn't help me work things out at all ... I am "majoring" in something I know in my heart of hearts that I am never going to use.... and I am surrounded by people there that I am sure are not the people God wants me to be around. I am miserable.

My biggest fear of all, however, was that I was going to quit college and go to work and then find out later that that was not where God wanted me to be. Or vice versa, I would not go to work and stay in college and discover the same thing. I was either going to be very far behind in school and it would take me six years to finish... or I was going to be in college for another 3 years only to find out that those three years could have been very useful work experience. I was afraid. Afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of straying off of God's path for my life. Afraid of letting Him, and everyone else (including myself) down. I am sure this "dilema" is trivial for many many people... but it is a HUGE hinderance in my life right now.

So what made me change my mind about applying?

As I was talking to my mom about all my worries, it hit me like a ton of bricks. God is not going to send me a definite answer. It wouldn't be some kind of sign that many people ask for. There was no way possible that I was going to know exactly what He wanted me to do in life. That was when the brick hit my forehead... God doesn't WANT me to know exactly what is going on. That is the whole point. It's not for me to know the plan that He has for me. It is my duty to put my faith and trust in His judgement to lead me on the path that I need to travel. It was then that I realized that either decision I made was the right one... because I knew that God was going to take care of me and watch over me no matter what, as long as I fully put my heart into trusting Him.

Then brick number 2 came along. My mom asked me, "Jo, when was the last time you wanted to do something for yourself, with no outside influence, and you did it?" And to a sad reply, I couldn't think of the last time that happened. I chose to get good grades in school growing up because I was surrounded by people that told me how smart I was. I couldn't let them down right? I chose to go to college because that was my family's dream for me. I have gone on vacation to places that I didn't really want to go simply because that's where everyone else wanted to go. And sadly enough, I have even left my choice of LUNCH up to someone else. I don't make decisions on my own. I don't know how. For as long as I can remember, there has always been someone that has influenced my decision making process. So it came to me that God was not wanting me to know the answers... and He was not wanting my decision process to be easy either. Everyone I asked advice from on this subject gave me mixed answers. Not once did I have a clear cut answer from anyone. So when my mom asked me this question, it was suddenly clear to me. God will be there for me no matter what decision I chose... but the only condition to that is that I CHOSE THE DECISION MYSELF. How simple.

So, like I said, I applied for the job. I chose to take a semester off of school. I am choosing to find a job somewhere that I love to work at. It was a big choice. But I am finally ready to take my own life by the horns and live to my fullest capacity. I am ready to be happy again. I am ready to experience all that life has to offer. I am ready... for anything. Just Me, Myself, and God.

Change?? I don't know how.

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.
-- Fergie


Why does it always seem that in order for one thing to happen, another has to change? When there are two people involved, shouldn't they be able to love one another without reservation and BE HAPPY?? When does it all change?

I have so many questions. And no answers.
All I want is PEACE. Where is God? Why doesn't he answer my questions? Why don't I have some serenity about this yet? Where is He? And how many times have I asked myself that question in the last 6 months? What did I do to make Him desert me? Why can't I be Happy? Why can't I have a little clarity into the subject of my own life? Forget trying to figure everyone else out. I am done with that. I want to find out who I am. I want to figure out what makes me tick. I want to figure out what makes me truly happy so I can pursue that and soak life in. I am tired of sitting around WAITING for life to happen. I don't want to WAIT anymore. I want to DO. I want to BE. I want to LIVE. Where is God?

I haven't shed one tear today. And honestly, for me that must be some kind of record here lately. I am done with crying. It makes me feel useless. And it gets you nowhere. I need to learn to be strong. Not only for me, but for my children one day whenever that may be. I need to learn to be a bigger and better person. I need to see in myself what I want to see in them. I need to be strong... like I used to be.

"I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry"

What a wonderful world.

Serenity...

Peace...

Clarification that there is something else to this world than stress, worry, arguments, pain, heartache...

Our world is beautiful.
Our God is beautiful.

What is Life if it is Not Well Lived?

I have had quite a few "heart to hearts" with some very important people in my life in the past couple of days.

The main theme?? Happiness

Some questions that came up??

Why am I not happy? Why do I feel like I am wasting my life away? Why am I quitting school? Is it for my better good, or just because I feel that that is the only way to reach my essential goals? Why are my "essential goals" so screwed up and messed up and different from what they should be? Who decides whether they are right or wrong anyway? What is my REAL reason for wanting the things I do?

Am I doing things in life to better myself?
Am I doing things in life to better His kingdom?

So, Why am I here? What am I doing?
Why am I SO lost?

I am thankful for the life that I have. Don't get me wrong. I know that it could be worse. I know that other people deal with other things just as detrimental to them as this is to me. I don't want to play "pity party" like others in my life seem to do. And I am sure this feeling of "meaningless living" is experienced by many many people my age. However, why is it that so many other people my age can experience all these feelings of "finding theirselves" but still enjoy life and be happy at the same time?!?!?!?

hap·pi·ness –noun

1. the quality or state of being happy.

2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

I want to be happy.

I want to feel this way again.
I want to be PRODUCTIVE.

I want to be normal.

So what is life if it is not well lived?
Miserable.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I can't sleep.

Ok.. I know... "But JoLynn, it's 5:30 in the afternoon! Why would you be sleeping?" Generally, I take an afternoon nap when Rick gets home from work. Earlier today if you would have asked me if I would be catching zzzz's this afternoon, I would have exclaimed my affirmative answer on the matter. Now, however, I just can't seem to get all these thoughts out of my head. Definitely can't get them out enough to fall into peaceful slumber.

Why her? She has so much potential in life. Why did she have to rush into all these things? All actions have consequences... but hers are piling up all at the same time. Why now? It breaks my heart to see her in such a treacherous condition. As much as I try to deny it, I care for her very deeply. And I want the best for her.

I know it is in no way my fault. But in some weird way, I kinda feel like I could have helped her better... somehow... someway. I feel like I let her down. Did I warn her enough? Did I help her see all the options? Was I there for her like I should have been??

Better Question:: Am I there for her now, when she needs it most?



I need sleep. I need rest.
I need peace.

You gotta start somewhere...

First blog. Well... my first REAL blog.

I used to have a Xanga that I wrote on everyday. Xanga quickly got faded out by myspace however, and until now, all my thoughts were floating around wildly in my head. True, I could write them down on paper, but why? Why waste the arm power? Everyone else in America does this on a computer... shouldn't I??

Isn't that incredible? Humans, particularly those that don't have to hunt for their food or build their own living quarters, have become genuinely lazy. Back in "the old days" you had to walk everywhere you went, pick your own corn to eat, build your own house out of wood and sticks.... and no one complained. That was life. Now, we have mechanics that do all that stuff for us. I found a place online the other day that will deliver your groceries to you... and another that cooks your meals and you pick them up on the way home. So not only do we have cars and planes to take us to our destinations, or computers to type our thoughts on screen, now we have people that do not cook their own meals, but yet rely on others to do so. Lazy. And people wonder why America is obese.

Sometimes, however, laziness is welcomed greatly. It seemed that I was running myself ragged. I had school 2 days a week, and I worried about homework and due dates the other 5 days. I had a job, bills, stress with that. I am helping CATR on Sundays, and had to be there at 7 am every Sunday. I have a family, a boyfriend, his family, friends to keep up with... and I spent most of my days trying to juggle all my stresses while trying to make others happy and juggle theirs. I woke up tired every morning, and went to bed at 9:30 on Friday nights instead of hanging out with friends or going out on a date. I am 18 years old. Not 68. SOOO when I had my surgery, I was forced to be lazy. I have been out of work for about 6 weeks now... and on days that I am not at school, I basically sit around the house, clean up, get things done that I otherwise would not have time to do... I make time for me. Sadly enough, it has been quite a while since I have had some "me" time. Being "lazy" lately, has been a God sent blessing.

Unfortunately, real life is going to kick back in soon. School will be over in 2 weeks, and I am going to have to get a job. Hopefully I will be able to find one... I am kind of nervous about that. But I need to realize that whatever God wants to happen will happen. You hear all the time, "just trust God. Don't worry about it. Things will happen as they are supposed to happen." Honestly... easier said than done. But, I am slowly learning that whether I trust God and His ways or not, He is still going to have the last word. Wouldn't it just be easier to let go if they are going to happen that way anyway?

I guess I should quit my ramblings and get back to "paying attention" in class. Once again, easier said than done.